Seasons of Love
by quinnqfabray
Summary: With Finn Hudon's recent passing, Quinn Fabray returns to Lima to fix the mistakes she regrets making. Rated M for later content, if the story continues. RIP Cory, we miss you.
1. Chapter 1

_I can't believe I'm going back for Finn's memorial. I had just returned to Lima for his funeral but Mr. Schuster wanted just the Glee club together like normal. I miss Finn every day and I always wonder what-if. What if it wasn't me he had been answering a call from when that drunk driver hit him? Me, the one who got into an accident while texting a few years ago. I called to congratulate him on finishing his first semester of college. Instead, I was a mere distraction. I saw Rachel at the funeral. We made eye contact briefly, but I knew she blamed me. I only tried to contact her once after it happened but her lack of response deterred me from future attempts._

Quinn sighs as she enters the school's hallway, walking forward before she stops before Finn's locker, the door scattered with flowers and notes. _They must have moved whoever had this locker after him. Retiring a locker_, she thinks, as she bites her lip. As her eyes drift downward she notices an unknown Cheerio blowing the candles out. _What in the hell_, she thinks as her eyes narrow and she places her hand on her hips.

"Excuse me, what do you think you're doing?" Quinn asks with an air of agitation in her voice.

"Oh look," the girl says as she nudges the other cheerio next to her and laughs "Quinn Fabray."

"Answer my question. What are you doing blowing those candles out?" she asks once again.

"Sue's orders. Safety hazard. What if one of the Glee club kids trip on it? Wouldn't want another one of those losers in a wheelchair. Or is that only a result of car accidents?" the dark-haired girl answered. The two girls looked at each other as they laughed and walk away. _Not worth it._

Quinn pauses for a moment, trying to calm down every bit of anger she feels, afraid she'll do something she'd regret. _Everything is going well for you Quinn, don't blow it because of a few idiots. But it is Finn_, she reminds herself. And her. Her eyes flutter shut as she remembers, willing the tears away.

Quinn marches to Sue's office, even angrier than before after being reminded of the girl who she hadn't had a normal conversation with in months. She swings the door open in one frustrated push, hearing it hit the wall hard, and Sue throws her newspaper aside as she sees her walk in

"Q! Back again are we? I just can't get rid of you past Glee clubers roaming the halls of McKinley."

Quinn places one hand on her hip and the other on the desk in front of her and leans in towards Sue. _Careful_, she reminds herself.

She cleared her throat, attempting to steady her voice.

"What are you doing telling those Cheerios to blow out the candles at Finn's locker, Coach? They are not a safety hazard. Everyone is scared to come within two feet of it. I saw it with my own eyes. Are you incapable of feeling anything for anyone, even after they die?" _Damnit_, she thought, as her words gave more to her emotions than she wanted Sue to hear.

Sue squints at Quinn and then goes back to reading the paper, clearly uninterested. Her glasses slip down as she squeezes the bridge of her nose.

"It was a fire hazard Quinn" she began, her hair flipping to the side as she retorted in a frustrated tone "All it takes is one of those misfits with over-gelled, flammable hair weighing them down to accidentally tap-dance into a candle and we have a lawsuit on our hands."

Quinn can feel her heart pumping and her palms growing sweaty. _How can she joke at a time like this?_ She walks around the desk, feeling ready to place her hands around this woman's neck and stop her from breathing, just like she has been unable to do lately.

She decided on words instead, bringing her face down to Sue's level, their eyes meeting. _After all, what is Sue but the Queen of Verbal Abuse?_

"I thought that after your sister died you would have some compassion for those who are mourning but I guess not! I just ask of you, for a few days, to keep your horrible and selfish ideas to yourself. Especially with Rachel coming later Sue."

"Oh Q, that hobbit sized wannabee Broadway Star will be just fine if one candle isn't lit for her dead ex-boyfriend. Who- by the way- died of his own selfishness."

_Fine, she'd meet insult for insult if it came down to it_. Quinn feels her hands start to shake as she responded, "A drunk driver hit him Coach! It was not his fault. Can you get that through your head or has the bleach you use to cover your scraggly gray hair seeped into whatever brain you have left?"

Sue's lips tightened, forming a straight line before she responded.

"Yes, a drunk driver hit him Q. Word on the street is that he was talking to none other than you when it happened," replied with a smirk upon her lips.

Quinn's eyes glazed over, feeling like the air had just been punched out of her. _How dare she. How...dare she._ Her glare softens as she holds onto the desk for support. _How dare she._ As if she didn't blame herself enough. As if everyone didn't.

_I can't deal with this._ Quinn shakes her head and lifts her hands up, almost as if surrendering and walks out the door. She feels her quick pace come to an immediate halt as she accidentally runs smack into someone.

Blaine places his hands on her shoulders to keep her from falling over.

"Everything okay Quinn? I heard-" he said as he held her an arms distance away, a worried look evident in his eyes and tone.

"Everything is fine" she says through gritted teeth, trying to rid herself of the tears that had built up. Her eyes scanned the hallway, clearly looking for someone.

"H-Have you…" she stuttered "Have you seen…"

Blaine, knowing exactly who she is talking about as the whole Glee club did.

"No, they haven't come yet," he answers as he removes his hands from her, noticing her stiffen.

Quinn nods and turns the corner.


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for the feedback guys! I'm so happy to see you guys enjoying it. I'll definitely be writing more. Here is the next chapter, hope you like it just as much.

Quinn sat in the back row of the choir room, eyeing the doorway as others walked in. The person she was looking for had yet to enter, which was surprising because Kurt had and they came together. At least according to Blaine. She looked over at the two of them, holding each others hands as if they were afraid to lose them. _I guess death did that to you. _Unfortunately, she had no hand to hold- at least anyone that mattered. Sam kept trying to hold her hand but that was _so _a few years ago.

Kurt made brief eye contact with her when he did enter, giving her a sad smile, aware of the tension between her and Rachel. She wanted to plop herself next to him and ask him questions about _her_. In fact, she sat up once but then back down, knowing that was not the way to go about it. Of course, it would have been better than the way she _did _go about it.

Other members entered the room, Marley and Ryder smiling at her and waving. At least they acknowledged her presence. The others, who were closer to Finn and Rachel, purposely avoiding eye contact because they had no clue what to say to her. Or if they wanted to say anything at all.

Mr. Schue entered, black bag on his shoulder, quickly followed by Emma. She sat in a chair in the front corner as he placed his bag down on the piano. Nothing had seemed to change since she'd been gone.

Rubbing his hands together, not sure what to say or how to begin, he started, "Thanks for coming guys...all of you. I know this is hard, especially after the funeral, but I really think it's important that we mourn together."

Emma raised her hand hesitantly and Mr. Schue let out a chuckle.

"You're not a student Emma, you don't have to raise your hand."

She bit her lip and nodded with a nervous smile, "I just think perhaps instead of mourning, we should really be celebrating Finn's life. I mean, he was a human being who lived a life as decently as he could and I know he touched so many of us. I have pamphlets-"

"I agree."

_Oh God_. Quinn looked up, her eyes widening as the voice she had been waiting for filled her ears. Emma stopped talking and quickly sat back down.

Rachel, who looked visibly wrecked yet beautiful at the same time, _how did she do that _Quinn thought, made her way into the room and stood before the seats next to Mr. Schue. She licked her bottom lip, reddened from obviously biting it as a result of nerves, and crossed her arms. S

"I've been mourning the loss of Finn for awhile now. Honestly, it isn't helping. I just- I just want to do what we do best here and that is celebrate life. Finn's life. He- he was so much more to me and I know all of you. So, um, with that being said, um, it isn't about death exactly, but I'm going to do my best and sing a song that meant a lot to the two of us."

She made eye contact with Quinn briefly, hazel meeting brown, the pain not clear to most but very very clear to Quinn, before looking at the ground and continuing, "Um, the, um, song is "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan."

Rachel's eyes were closed tight, attempting to hold back her tears as the piano began. Quinn held on to the edge of her seat, not prepared at all for this. She knew she'd be seeing her and she knew it would be hard, but this was downright horrible.

_Spend all your time waiting_

_for that second chance_

_for a break that would make it okay_

_there's always some reason_

_to feel not good enough_

Yeah, like being blamed for your ex boyfriend's death, Quinn thought to herself.

_and it's hard at the end of the day_

_I need some distraction_

_oh beautiful release_

_memories seep from my veins_

She finally opened her eyes, fixating them on a spot on the back wall. _She won't even look at me,_ Quinn thought. But who am I kidding? _She won't even talk to me, why would she look at me?_

_Let me be empty_

_and weightless and maybe_

_I'll find some peace tonight_

Quinn knew how Rachel could find peace, but she wasn't having any of it. Why the hell did she have to be so stubborn anyway?

Finally, her eyes met with the other members, each of them giving her a comforting smile as best as they could since their tears already began as well. Yet, her eyes skipped over Quinn, as though she wasn't in the red plastic seat. As though she were still in New Haven.

_In the arms of the angel_

_fly away from here_

_from this dark cold hotel room_

_and the endlessness that you fear_

_you are pulled from the wreckage_

_of your silent reverie_

_you're in the arms of the angel_

_may you find some comfort here  
_

Rachel began to noticeably shake and tried to start the next verse several times but couldn't. Tears finally fell from her eyes without stopping, the piano no longer playing.

She swallowed hard.

"I'm- I'm sorry guys. I thought…. I could be stronger than this, for y-y-y-ou" she added.

"It's okay Rachel," Kurt said softly.

Quinn stared at her hands. _She didn't have to be strong for anyone, she needed to let people help her. Me specifically. _

Blaine squeezed his hand and added, "Yeah Rach. You don't need to be strong for anyone."

"Just having you here with us is enough" Tina said.

"Yeah, having you here and talking to us is enough" Quinn suddenly said, staring at Rachel as though she were burning a hole through her.

Rachel knew that look. She'd seen it when she told her to not to marry Finn. Rachel looked at her nervously as though she was unsure how to respond or if she should.

"I mean, for some of us, that's the only way we get to hear your voice" Quinn continued a frustrated tone clear.

"Quinn. I don't think now is the time" Sam told her, placing his hand on hers.

She ripped her hand from under his almost immediately and did her best to will the tears away. She brushed her hand beneath her eyes, not that it mattered. The tears just wouldn't go away. _Fuck_, she told herself. _Get it together. If she won't show any emotion towards you, why are you? _Quinn knew that answer though.

Quinn looked at him and asked, "Then when is the right time huh? It's been weeks and this is the most she's said to me."

She tried to wipe her tears again, knowing it was no use as she tasted the salt on her lips.

"You know, it hurt us all just as badly. Actually, it probably hurt me more. You know why?"

Rachel looked away as Quinn stood up and made her way over to her. Everyone eyed her carefully, knowing she was about to blow.

"Do you know why Rachel?" Quinn questioned, her voice shaking but firm.

Rachel continued to stare at the ground, her feet becoming quite interesting.

"Rachel, LOOK AT ME!" Quinn shouted at her and grabbed her arm. Rachel jumped and pulled her arm away quite easily. Quinn wasn't trying to hurt her. 

"I'm so sick of no one being able to look at me" Quinn said, this time softer, almost at a whisper.

The entire room was overcome with silence and tension, no one knowing what to say or do at this point.

Rachel was now on the other side of the piano, putting a distance between the two. Quinn had no idea when that had happened, her vision now blurry both from tears and anger. She let out a shaky sigh.

"Fine, you won't talk. Well, then listen. Because I was on the other end of that phone line Rachel. Because I HEARD it happen. I HEARD his scream, I heard the crash. So stop pretending like I don't exist, like I'm not good enough to mourn with you. Like I don't deserve to feel better or comfort you. I didn't-" Quinn was cut off by her own tears, now streaming down her face, ruining her makeup, the only thing that that covered her dark circles….the pain that was clear on the outside.

"Quinn, maybe you should sit back down and talk about this later. Maybe when no one else is around?" Puck added. _Puck_. She hadn't noticed he was even here.

"NO" she shouted quickly, her voice rough and high-pitched at the same time, "I'm not doing this anymore. I didn't… I didn't even do anything wrong, yet here is little miss Rachel Berry, punishing me for it."

"I'm not punishing you Quinn," Rachel finally spoke, although quietly.

"I-I don't even know how me not talking to you is a punishment Quinn. You never liked me anyway-"

"Of course you don't Rachel! Of course." Quinn ran her hands shakily through her hair, pulling on it to release some of her anger. 

_Of course she didn't. _Yet everyone else did.

"Look, I'm just not ready to talk-"

"You're talking to everyone. Everyone but me because I happened to be the one on the phone with him."

"You distrac-"

"NO!" Quinn screamed as she moved around to Rachel's side of the piano, no longer caring about the audience they had. Mr. Schue placed his hand on her arm, attempting to hold her back but she shook him off, her glare piercing through him as he backed off.

Before she spoke, she noticed Rachel's tears which refused to overflow from her beautiful brown eyes. She wanted to reach out and hug the short woman- _NO_. She shook her head as if trying to rid it of something.

"Rachel, he was hit by a drunk driver who went through a red light. Tell me, what did my calling him and talking to him through his Bluetooth have to do with it? How could I have prevented it?"

"M-mmaybe if he wasn't on the phone, maybe he could have-"

"Have what? Stopped sooner Rachel? NO, that- no" Quinn said.

No words were spoken for what seemed like a few minutes in the choir room until Quinn said, "You can't keep blaming me for this Rachel. None of you can," she said to everyone, turning her head towards them.

"Quinn, no one-" Kurt started but was quickly interrupted by her. 

_Stop lying to me. Everyone stop._

She began to feel lightheaded as the room spun around, white and red whirring around her. She reached to the piano in order to steady herself but missed it, nearly falling over. Santana jumped out of her chair, _oh huh when did Santana get here too,_ and held on to her. Worry was present on her features as she tried to steady Quinn.

"Yes, yes all of you blame me. You haven't been on this side of the looks of the avoidance. So stop LYING TO ME!" she screamed.

"And-and I'm sick-" Quinn began but couldn't finish. Her heart was beating at what seemed like a mile a minute and she could no longer breathe properly. She was gasping for air all while her stomach was churning.

_This can't be happening. In front of her. No, these panic attacks only happened behind closed doors, Quinn._

"S-Sant-ana, let me go" she asked. Santana didn't move but only held her tighter.

"Please," Quinn asked. Santana loosened her grip as Quinn only got a few steps before vomiting in the trash can.


End file.
